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Reposted from Drafts on October 30, 2019

To answer your question, yes, I am still bogged down in thought about the ‘law of attraction.’ It’s been around a week since I started thinking about it again, and though my Lamborghini still has not arrived (and neither have my mysterious cheques) just the inherent absurdity of the law is helping me stay positive. And because it’s hardly a bad thing to have a positive outlook, I’m digging it.

What do I want to talk about?

It’s been around eight months since I’ve had a drink–the longest I’ve gone since I first tried it (though that’s been true for a while now). My goal back then was to go for a whole year (and a little bit), I figured I’d reevaluate when I turn 25 in October. At this point I’m really not sure what I’ll do. I might never drink again.

Quitting, and accepting the reality of why I had to quit were really different things. Not drinking was easy at first, but telling people why and then being accountable to them was completely different. The big question I kept coming back to was, what is wrong with me? Why me, right? I figured I wasn’t normal, because normal people can drink responsibly, can stop before they get sick or their brain turns itself off, or at the very least they realize that frequent black outs are a problem.

I mean, quitting wasn’t easy either, I should make that clear. It took me five or six tries in 2016 for it to stick. I did two separate sober-months and then tried to quit a bunch of times over the summer without much luck.

There’s an aspect of self-medicating to it, and then the medication becomes its own problem because it isn’t a cure for what’s hurting. I think that’s a hard part of kicking any habit–especially booze. Once drinking becomes its own recognizable problem, its easy to think that once you beat that everything will be perfect, but the other issues never left. And now that you’ve stopped treating them they’re back and you have to sort them out in a healthier way which is hard. I wasn’t really equipped.

But I’ve always been like this, I was never a responsible drinker. I wonder if in the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (Robert Louis Stevenson) the serum Jekyll drank was some sort of allusion to alcohol. The story always resonated with me because of Jekyll’s inability to resist the potion he created, knowing that it would transform him into a monster. I felt like that often, but I always lost control so quickly. It was something I thought I’d be able to manage despite the fact that I rarely could.

I don’t know if I’ll ever drink again. I might. I kind of hope one day I can, and it’s just normal, and I have beers once in a while, and rarely get drunk but sometimes it just happens but it’s always a fun story and never an issue. That’s the dream, but it might not be realistic. There might be something wired wrong in me. It’s possible that the contractor taking care of the addiction areas of my brain cut corners and there’s no chance for repair.

But that could be a good thing.